


but your band is all the rage (or so i've been told)

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bands, Angst, Bands, Cheating, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Teenagers, Tours, and then they aren't teenagers anymore, and they take off, harry and niall are super in love, so harry and all the boys except for niall is in an indie band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-03 22:48:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2890889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they pull away they’re both gasping for breath and Harry attacks his neck, just fucking attacks it kissing and biting and sucking because he’s never had the chance he realized to mark Niall and actually make him his. He never got that with Niall and now here it is. They’re two years in the making and they still aren’t even halfway done. </p><p>--</p><p>Or the one where Harry's been in love with Niall since they were seventeen and he's in an indie band that seem to take off overnight and him and Niall no matter what happens will always be HarryandNiall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but your band is all the rage (or so i've been told)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so the title is from your band is all the rage by lana del rey and i realized that lana del rey sings about everything and she's just so amazing like she's a goddess so ya'll should expect lots of lana del rey titles from now on

Michigan, 2010

They’re juniors and they don’t start the band with the intent to change the world or become super famous or anything like that. They’re seventeen year old boys who get high and fuck around and being in a band is part of the high school experience so like why the fuck not?

Harry tells them about the idea on a Saturday afternoon a couple of days before junior starts. It’s sweltering in the Michigan summer and he’s hanging upside down on Louis’ bed. Zayn’s texting that girl- Perrie- that he’s had a thing for since they were fucking zygotes or some shit and Liam is high as hell, slumped against the wall staring unseeing at Louis’ TV playing reruns of That’s So Raven. Louis is sitting behind his piano tinkering with the keys like he always has.

“We should start a band.” Harry says and Louis looks up at him confused.

“What?”

“A band. We should start a band.”

The boys all look at him, Zayn looks uninterested and Liam still looks higher than a kite.

“Is this another one of your random thoughts that you accidentally say out loud?” Louis asks him and Harry flips him the bird then sits upright, feels all the blood rushing to his head and it’s very unpleasant.

“Naw, man I’ve been thinkin’ bout this for a long long time. I mean we like music, we play music, and it’s expected of us really to start a band.” Harry’s excited eyes scanning each of their faces. Louis actually looks like he’s thinking about it and Zayn’s gone back to texting Perrie and Liam back to staring at the TV. Sometimes Harry wonders why he bothers but then Louis says,

“Sounds pretty wicked. Let’s do it.” And he remembers.

\--

By the time school starts up they’ve already got the lineup. Harry and Zayn will alternate singing the songs they’re eventually going to start writing, Zayn will play the base guitar, Liam on the drums, Louis the keyboard, and when Harry isn’t too busy crooning away on the microphone he’ll be their guitarist. It’s genius really and when Harry tells his mom she purses her lips and tells him not to make too much noise in the garage and he just scoffs because he’s rock and roll now.

Harry and Liam decide they’ll be the main song writers because well Harry wants to be and Liam is surprisingly profound when he’s high as fuck and they end up writing their first song ever a week into school. They call it Yeah, Baby it’s not a very profound name in itself but it’s a head banger and they practice it a lot.

Three weeks into junior year an Irish kid named Niall Horan moves into town with his family consisting of just him and his mom and Harry only knows that because the kid moves right up the street from him. Harry’s mom forces him to get dressed nice and they go over there and they greet the Horans (well technically Niall’s mom isn’t even a Horan she’s a Gallagher but whatever) and they have dinner.

When their moms start talking about whatever moms talk about Niall looks at him shyly with those blue eyes of his and he says, “wanna come up to my room?” And Harry just shrugs but goes up anyway. Since Niall just moved in his room is pretty empty with lots of cardboard boxes but he has a water bed and his TV is set up even though he doesn’t have cable yet but he does have an Xbox so they halfheartedly play some Fifa and then some NBA till they get bored.

“So how is the school here?” Niall asks biting on a hangnail. Harry shrugs doesn’t really know how to describe his school besides that it’s school ya know.

“It’s cool. The people are cool.” Harry tries and Niall snorts, brings his knees up to his chest and rests his cheeks on them making Harry kind of inhale sharply because wow.

“Not for a new kid.”

“Is this your first time being a new kid?” Harry asks because he hates the lull of awkward silences and he kind of does want to get to know Niall more than he’d thought in the beginning. Niall shakes his head,

“Mom likes to move around a lot. But she did say she likes it here so we’ll probably be staying.”

“Do you like it here?” Harry asks and Niall just bites his lip like he’s trying to figure out the answer to that question even though it isn’t a very difficult one not at all really. But Niall is cute and Harry never really thought he liked boys but hey maybe it’s ‘cause he’s grown up with all of them and Niall’s different and he has an accent and eyes bluer than Louis’ and that is a feat.

“I guess I can’t have much of an opinion yet.” Niall says with a small shrug.

“Well you know you’re always welcome to sit with me at school. My friends are pretty cool.”

“Yeah?” Niall asks eyes brighter than necessary. It’s not like Harry and his friends are royalty but Niall acts as if he and his friends are the Duke and Duchess of England. Harry laughs a little,

“Yeah it’s no biggie.”

“Thanks.”

Harry just shrugs, “Seriously it’s nothing. Let’s play some more Fifa.” And so they do and he tries to ignore the small looks Niall keeps throwing him the whole time but he’s throwing similar ones so whatever. Niall’s pretty and he has pink lips and he laughs loudly and with everything he has and he burnsburnburns brighter than anything Harry has ever seen and Harry immediately wants to write a song.

\--

Pretty Blonde Thing is written a week later.

His friends bug him about who it’s about and Harry says it’s about nobody it’s just a freakin’ song. So they let it go. Niall’s also started sitting with them at that point, he’s still kind of shy only really speaking around Harry but his friends like Niall and its obvious Niall likes them too. Harry likes Niall a lot more than he ever thought possible.

“We’re in a band you know.” Harry tells Niall two weeks later and Niall raises an interested eyebrow. They’re at Niall’s house, his mom is out and they’re pigging out on junk food while watching Catfish. Harry’s come to realize that Niall has a very distinct smell and it’s citrus and boy cologne, not the overpowering shit like Axe but it’s faint and subtle and it makes Harry want to bury his face in Niall’s neck. Which is probably going to be a problem in the long run but he’s not thinking about that.

“You are? Is it a secret? Why didn’t you guys tell me?” Niall asks expression changing from shock to a bit hurt. Harry wraps his hand around Niall’s small wrist and tugs him back down to a sitting position,

“Chill.” He says and Niall pouts but doesn’t continue asking any more questions. “And it’s not a secret but… it’s nothing serious yet. It’s just fun for now. You should come watch us practice… do you play any instruments?”

Niall just shrugs, “used to play the guitar but I left it back in Portland. I’m more of a solo act but I do like bands. And I do want to see what you guys got.” He says a bit of challenge in his tone and Harry just laughs.

\--

Louis’ mother is getting remarried a month later and that’s how they get their first gig. Louis apparently begged his mother and she got so worn down that she finally said yes but gave them a set of songs to play. It’s exciting really getting to play in front of actual people, adults too who probably don’t know what real music is.

Niall’s become a permanent fixture in their practices, sits on a chair and watches them making Harry’s heart hurt every time they sing Pretty Blonde Thing. Niall never asks and Harry never tells. Anyways they start learning stupidly romantic songs that Louis’ mother ordered them too trying to put rock twists to and they always always ask Niall for his opinion because one thing Harry realized after Niall started listening to them is that he is brutally honest. And Harry loves it.

“Don’t try too hard to make it seem ‘rocky’,” Niall says putting quotation marks around the word, “just make it romantic and if ends up sounding rocky let it be. Just play the fucking music.” He says and Liam claps Harry on the shoulder,

“Knew there was a reason we kept him.” And Niall blushes but he’s still smiling, all bright and shit and nodding along every time they play something that doesn’t sound half bad. He’s a star really that boy.

\--

Louis’ mom gets married on November, 22nd in a huge chapel to Louis’ new stepfather. The boys are all dressed up in their fanciest suits and Niall sits next to him during it and Harry is very aware of Niall’s shoulder pressed against his. When it’s time for them to actually play during the reception Harry feels all sorts of nervous like someone dumped a bucket of cold water on him and he’s shivering up there but then he looks over at Niall as his band mates are getting everything set up and Niall smiles at him with his little dimpled chin and all his lovely ways and Harry knows he can do this.

Him and Zayn alternate with the songs but every time it’s his turn and even when it isn’t and he’s just jamming out on the guitar he keeps looking over at Niall who’s recording them and looking straight at him and Harry is so fucking into him it’s ridiculous.

Surprisingly the adults do like it and they all make sure to tell them so and Harry feels like this mini superstar basks in the glow of being loved even for a night. He has a fleeting thought of selling out stadiums and playing in front of millions of adoring fans but he’s nothing if not a realist and he knows the chances of that happening to him is one in a million. So he hugs Niall wraps everything he has around him and they all dance, all five of them.

Liam does this ridiculous dance move he’s been trying to teach them all and Zayn does that gyrating hip thing that has all of Louis’ cousins and sisters falling over themselves and Louis kind of just jumps all over the place. Harry would never call it dancing but it’s something.

Harry and Niall are awkward dancing around each other, Harry wants to dance with him but doesn’t know if Niall wants to dance with him and it’s when a slow song comes on, Turning Page Harry thinks it’s called that he uses it as an excuse to be silly.

“May I have this dance?” He says to Niall bowing with exaggeration and Niall just smiles and nods, drapes his arms around Harry’s neck smiling up at him. And Harry swears his eyes shine with the best of them. They’re pressed together and Harry just can’t stop looking at him wants to kiss him but doesn’t want to ruin everything because of some crush he’s had for a few months. So he doesn’t and when the next slow song comes on Niall just smiles and dances with Louis and then Liam and then Zayn and Harry just kinds of watches him wanting him.

\--

It’s a week later that Niall storms into his house excited.

“Oh em gee.” He says and Harry blinks and raises an eyebrow.

“Yes?” It is eight in the morning and Harry is tired out of his mind and it’s not his fault that Niall wakes up at five thirty every morning just to jog around the neighborhood three times like he’s training for the Olympics or something.

“Okay you know how I recorded you guys singing at Johannah’s wedding?” Niall’s talking so fast and his accent is getting all twisted but Harry is able to make out some of his words and nods tiredly.

“Guess how much views it has on YouTube?”

“You put it on YouTube?”

“This isn’t the big deal here, Harry! Guess!” Niall says hitting him on the shoulder and Harry huffs and shrugs,

“I dunno. Three?”

“Try twenty thousand… and counting.”

Harry’s eyes almost bug out their sockets, “What!” He screeches and Niall’s nodding and laughing,

“I know right!” He gets up and slides into Harry’s rolling computer chair. He goes on YouTube with Harry hovering right behind him, watches as Niall logs into his account, and then shows him the video of them singing. It’s two one of Harry singing Flightless Bird, American Mouth and Zayn singing Who’s Loving You. And Niall’s wrong it’s not twenty thousand its twenty five thousand and the comments are ridiculously nice Harry has to call the guys. But before that he hugs Niall tight and ever so grateful and Niall hangs onto him laughing into him,

“It was all you, babe.” He keeps saying but Harry’s thinking, ‘ _no_ , it was all you.’

\--

But anyways that’s how the whole school finds out about Freudian Slipped; it’s what they’ve decided to call themselves. Zayn had suggested it and it was philosophical and smart so they had all agreed. And they become mini-celebrities. They were by no means losers or outcasts before but they were certainly not at the top of the high school totem pole and now it’s like they sit on the throne, girls want to date them, boys want to be them, and every fucking body wants them to play at their parties. It’s fun.

And they start posting on YouTube more often, Niall always comes with his camera and he’ll upload a snippet of the boys singing some original song or a cover depending on the day and the views will skyrocket. It’s odd really how quickly they become a big deal.

\--

Christmas in Michigan is cold and fucking miserable but Harry loves Christmas. He and his stepdad Robin always hang up the lights right after Thanksgiving because his mom has this obsession with being the house with the best Christmas decorations. His parents wake him and his sister up on Christmas morning even though he’s seventeen and Gemma is twenty but it’s tradition and they all unwrap their presents. Harry gets two tickets to see the Arctic Monkeys in March courtesy of his mother and a brand new guitar he’s been thirsting over for months from his stepdad. His sister gets him new converse and he’s happy wonderfully sated.

They all eat tons of food and Christmas cookies and he and his sister around five are finally allowed to leave to go spend time with their friends. Harry takes the presents with him when he knocks on Niall’s door. Niall’s in an ugly Christmas sweater and he looks soft with his ungelled hair and his braces.

“Merry Christmas.” He says soft and Harry leans in and kisses him on the cheek because he just couldn’t resist.

“Merry Christmas to you too. Let’s go to Louis’.”

“Gimme a sec gotta get my prezzies.” Niall says so Harry waits inside while Niall gets his gifts from his bedroom. He chats with Niall’s mother for a bit, she thanks him too much for being Niall’s friend and she sends him off with a whole bunch of gingerbread cookies for him and the boys. He loves Maura Gallagher and Niall laughs when Harry tells him.

“I love her too.” He says. The walk to Louis’ is cold but they both have mittens on and scarves. And honestly they don’t need to talk being around Niall is enough for him, it always has been.

They find Zayn and Liam already at Louis’. His family went out so it’s just them in Louis’ bedroom and they start exchanging gifts. They all give to Louis first considering his birthday was like two days ago. Harry gets Louis the complete list of Jonas Brother’s albums his guilty pleasure and the newest Call of Duty (Harry had made sure to talk to Louis’ parents and all the boys so they didn’t get him an extra copy). Harry got Zayn a book, it had looked good and like something Zayn would read and Zayn looked happy when he got it so Harry was glad he didn’t go wrong. He scored some good weed for Liam and a signed guitar pick from Alex Turner (it took a lot of bidding on Ebay and his mother giving him disapproving glances but it was so worth the look on Liam’s face).

He got Niall a new camera knew the one he had wasn’t the best and a sixty dollar gift card to the Nike store. He really would not get over the look on Niall’s face and the small private thank you he got as he thumbed the camera looking at it.

“Way to one up us, man.” Zayn joked nudging him with his toe and winking when he knew Niall wasn’t looking. Harry blushed and looked away knew his friends had caught on to his embarrassing crush but hey he wasn’t admitting nothing. He pleads the fifth.

Louis got him three vinyl’s The Strokes, The Shins, and Bon Iver which Harry of course was ever grateful for. Zayn got him a notebook a real nice looking one for him to write his songs in, Liam got him a Do It Yourself Ukulele Kit which he honestly couldn’t wait to try out, and Niall got him a watch a really nice watch that Harry wondered how Niall even afforded but he didn’t ask Niall not in front of their friends anyway. It was nice and he let Niall put it on him ignoring their friends staring at them.

When the gift exchange was over Louis clapped resolutely, “there is a party tonight.” He said and Harry raised an eyebrow,

“I didn’t hear about a party.”

“Well, Eleanor and Leigh just texted me saying Perrie,” Louis looked pointedly at Zayn, “is throwing a Christmas party before she goes off to The Alps for vacay. And we’re going.”

“Maybe you should’ve-,”

“Harry, stop complaining. We’re going!”

And because he was Louis nobody bothered arguing. It would be futile.

\--

Perrie lived in a mini-mansion off Mercantile Road and by the time they got there around nine the place was packed and they could barely find a place to park. Nobody was loitering outside though probably because it was extremely cold and it would be killer. Inside was warm and the atmosphere wasn’t as wild as Harry would’ve imagined, nobody was breaking things and stair surfing probably because Perrie was classy as hell and would never allow that in her house. There were a couple of people dancing to some chill Christmas music and others were laughing and talking in the corner.

“I’m gonna go find Perrie.” Zayn said ditching them and they all rolled their eyes. Harry really didn’t know when Zayn would make a move, they’d all probably be forty and Zayn would still be making heart eyes at the girl. Liam ditched them for a couple of stoner friends and his on and off girlfriend Sophia, and Louis of course for Eleanor who he had declared the love of his life leaving just Harry and Niall.

“What do you wanna do?” Harry asked,

“Drink.” Niall said and Harry raised an eyebrow taken aback by Niall’s forwardness but the boy was already walking into the kitchen where a cooler full of cold beer was. Niall shoved one in his hand and then leaned on the wall.

“Alright?” Harry asked him and Niall smiled that smile of his,

“Perfect. It’s just one of those nights you know?” Harry didn’t not really but he nodded anyway sipping on some beer but not really just in case the other guys were too wasted to drive, some of them had to be responsible. A couple of girls came up to him trying to get him to dance or to talk about his band but he always had to point out Niall who they all pointedly ignored. Niall didn’t seem to mind them though, just glancing around the place every time a girl came up to them.

“Let’s get out of here.” Niall said once he was on his third beer. He was slurring his words a little but he wasn’t drunk and Harry raised an eyebrow,

“Do you know how cold it is out there?”

“Let’s just go to Louis’ car. This party is boring.” He said and he wasn’t lying, it was pretty boring. So Harry shrugged and then they were both maneuvering around people, the crowd had seemed to grow in the short time they were both in the kitchen.

In Louis’ car Niall didn’t say anything for a bit, he just sat in the passenger seat next to Harry in the driver’s with his knees pulled up to his chest like how he was when they had first met.

“My dad called me today.” Niall finally said and Harry looked over at him but didn’t say anything. “He hasn’t talked to me since March, since he left mom for his secretary. He said he wants me to come live with him in Dublin can you fucking believe that? This guy fucking knocks up his secretary who he’s been fucking behind mom’s back, decides to start a family with her, and wants me to be a part of it. He’s never been a father to me I can’t even remember a time when he was even compassionate or a dad. He’s so gross and I hate him. I fucking hate him.” Niall was crying by the end of his little speech not full blown tears all sobbing and whatnot but sniffles and him wiping his eyes quick trying to push them away. Harry’d never seen him cry before but he never ever wanted to see it again. He’d heard the “you look so pretty when you cry” thing and he didn’t believe it not one bit, Niall just looked torn and broken and Harry hated that. Because nobody was allowed to make Niall cry like that.

\--

He wrote You Look Worn When You Cry that night in the notebook Zayn had given him. He didn’t show it to any of the boys though.

..

Michigan, 2011

They ring in the New Year by getting fifty thousand views on their newest video. Their twitters blow up with followers and its weird having people who don’t live in Michigan actually know of them and want to get to know them. It’s surreal almost and it’s nice really really nice.

Niall starts doing track that same year around the middle of January and that’s when he meets Josh. He starts talking about Josh a lot.

“He’s so nice and gosh he can run so fast. Faster than everybody on the track.” Niall says one day when Harry’s over and they’re doing math homework. Harry just hums to let Niall know he’s listening that he’s not at all jealous. Everybody knows Josh Devine, he’s the faster runner in school like Niall said and he’s one of the nicest guys around. He’s cool him and Harry had always had an amicable friendship and he was loaded but didn’t rub it anyone’s face and word on the street was that he was a certified genius and he was either going to Harvard or Yale or some Ivy League school like that. Basically the guy was perfect. And what did Harry have going for him besides music?

Niall brings Josh around once for their practices and Harry almost flips shit but he doesn’t. Josh smiles at them all and tells them they were all so good and he sounds so fucking sincere Harry wants to punch him in the face. Harry watches as Josh whispers things in Niall’s ear and watches as Niall blushes and laughs. But he has no right to be jealous because Niall doesn’t belong to him and he and Niall are just friends.

By the beginning of February Freudian Slipped has reached seventy thousand views on YouTube and they have an article written about them on the web and that’s when they start getting the calls. Louis calls a group meeting one day and lets them know some guy from Queens Records wants to meet them. Everybody fucking knows who Queens Records is, Queen Records makes people famous they make things happen and Harry throws up when Louis tells them.

So all their parents come together and Louis’ mom calls Frank Grant the man who called Louis and Frank says he wants to meet them, that he can fly them up to L.A and see what they’ve got and it’s like Harry’s waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out with the cameras but it doesn’t happen. They agree and Louis’ mom hangs up and Harry goes home and it isn’t a dream it’s all real.

So Harry throws himself into song writing more than ever. The meeting is in two weeks and they cannot mess up, they practice like crazy and Harry barely gets time to spend with Niall who’s basically replaced him for Josh Devine. Harry misses Niall even while he’s so close but things are hectic and he needs to get ready to meet Frank.

He’s passed out on his bed one day after school, three days before the meeting with Frank when Niall barges into his room.

“Josh kissed me.” He says and Harry feels like his world is crumbling. He pretends like he’s not dying inside as he rubs his eyes and sits up.

“What?”

“Josh Devine kissed me.” He’s pacing the room, blush on his cheeks, and crazed look in his eye like he doesn’t know what to do.

“When?”

“Like an hour ago. I mean I kissed him back but still he initiated.”

“Did you want him to kiss you?” Harry asks even though he doesn’t care, all he wants to do is rip Josh Devine’s fucking head off with his teeth. But Niall doesn’t need that right now. Niall shrugs and looks him straight in the eye so intensely that Harry looks away.

“I don’t know.” Niall says and Harry snorts,

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know! I mean I like him… but I like someone else more and I just I don’t want to hurt them.”

Harry feels his heart drop because of fucking course Niall would never like him. This whole time Niall’s had a fucking crush on some person and here Harry was pining over him thinking that he had a chance like a fucking idiot. He’s such an idiot it hurts. He wants to cry but Harry Styles doesn’t cry especially over stupid fucking boys who are stupidly beautiful and who break hearts without even realizing it. And hey at least he knows Josh so if Josh and Niall start dating he can keep an eye out and he can still see his best friend.

“You and Josh would be great together, babe. Don’t see why you don’t just date him; obviously this other person doesn’t give a crap about you if they haven’t made their move yet.” Harry says with a small shrug. He’s a hypocrite but he wants Niall to be happy. And Josh makes Niall happy. He looks up at Niall to see him look stricken, all color drained from his face but he nods slowly.

“Okay,” he croaks, “thanks.” And he rushes out of Harry’s bedroom.

\--

He thinks Niall’s avoiding him but he doesn’t even have time to assess that because Freudian Slipped fly to L.A without Niall and they meet Frank Grant who is impossibly intimidating and who has pictures of all the celebrities he’s signed, really big fucking celebrities that intimidate them all. He talks about how they have raw talent and that he loves their stage presence whatever that means and he wants to hear how good they do and they’re whisked into a studio with instruments and he just says: “sing.” And Harry does, he sings with his band jamming out behind him and he pretends like they’re in his garage again and Niall’s sitting a few feet away recording them and smiling at him like he does.

When they’re done Frank Grant is smiling at them. And Harry’s heart starts pounding in his chest.

They all go back to a conference room with their parents and Frank Grant tells them that he wants to sign them. It seems so sudden and fast but he says more. Talks about them putting out an EP and a single and seeing how well the public likes it, seeing if they’ll go forward with a full album or not. The parents all read over the contract, Louis’ stepfather is a lawyer so he’s there to make sure everything is legit and when that’s determined they turn to a patient Frank Grant and they sign the fucking contract. A fucking contract with Queens Records.

Frank says they’ll be back to L.A in a month for some promotional work and to record the EP but in the meantime to keep posting lots and lots of songs on YouTube and just like that they’re out of there. Harry’s legs feel like lead and they all hug in the lobby of Queens Records and they all pray to the gods they believe in and even to the ones that they don’t.

\--

When they all get to the hotel they call Niall who freaks out for them and it feels so good to hear his voice Harry wants to kick all the other boys out and just talk to him alone but he isn’t that type of person and plus Niall and Josh are together now. Josh is with him at that exact moment congratulating him too in that stupidly sincere voice of his. When they hang up Harry and Zayn get their guitars and they have a chilled out jammed session on the carpet of their amazing hotel in L.A. It’s odd that they’re in the city of angels but Harry doesn’t want to explore, not yet at least. He’s still trying to process it what’s happened to them when Louis says,

“Why’d you let Niall date Josh?”

Harry’s eyes flicker to him confused, “What?”

“Why’d you let Niall date Josh?”

“Where’d that come from?”

“Maybe from the fact that you’ve been in love with him since you’ve met him and you told him to date Josh.” Zayn says. They’re all judgmentally staring at him.

“Niall likes Josh.” Harry says weakly.

“But he’s in love with you.” Louis says.

“No he really isn’t. Josh makes him happy and whoever makes Niall happy makes me happy alright?”

“So, dude you’re just going to sit around doing nothing while the dude you want to bone and hold hands with is doing all that with some other guy?” Liam asks staring at him in disbelief. Harry shrugs,

“What else can I do?”

The boys all groan at him.

\--

They get 100,000 views on YouTube.

\--

Harry almost forgets about his two tickets to The Arctic Monkeys till he’s rifling around for something in his drawer and they’re staring him in the face and of course he immediately thinks of Niall. He keeps thinking about the fact that Niall barely talks to him anymore only when he’s recording them and he’s always around Josh and maybe this would be good for them because Harry may not be dating him but that’s still his best friend. So he calls Niall.

“Yellow.” Niall says and Harry rolls his eyes,

“’Sup, dork?” He asks.

“Harry?” Niall says.

“You have my number saved.” Harry replies then has this split second thought of Niall deleting his name off his phone but then he thinks no, Niall would never fucking do that to him.

“Yeah sorry I didn’t even look. Hi.” Niall says awkwardly like him and Harry haven’t known each other since September.

“Hey. You like The Arctic Monkeys right?” Harry asks even though he knows Niall loves them.

“What kind of question is that?” Niall asks with a small laugh.

“Stupid I know. But my mom had gotten me tickets to see them in Detroit this weekend and I thought hey why don’t I bring Niall.” Harry’s nervous all of a sudden but he reminds himself to be cool. He’s a Rockstar he has to be cool.

“You want to take me?” Niall sounds impossibly giddy and it makes Harry’s heart fly.

“Of course I want to take you.”

“Oh gosh.”

“So… is that a yes?”

“Uhm yeah yes of course yes. Sorry I’m a dork. But yeah that sounds really awesome that sounds so amazing thanks, Harry.”

“No problem. Come over yeah? I wanna beat your ass in Fifa.”

\--

That Saturday Harry’s mother gives him the car so he can take the two hour ride from Grand Rapids to Detroit. Niall looks good in his red plaid shirt over a black tee and his skinny jeans and it feels like a proper date when Harry pulls up right across the street from Niall’s house and talks to Niall’s mom about when they’ll be back and such while Niall blushes next to her. Harry’s so happy he could die.

“This is so awesome.” Niall says when he slips into Harry’s mom’s car.

“I know right? You look good by the way.”

Niall smiles, “thanks.” He says softly then turns on the radio to the Top 40 hits. They sing along to some Taylor Swift songs and they talk the whole way. Harry’s very aware that Niall doesn’t talk about Josh once.

The venue is packed once they get there and there are a whole bunch of die-hard fans crying and the guys aren’t even onstage yet. Harry hopes him and Freudian Slipped can get that famous one day. Harry shows off their tickets and he doesn’t mean to do it but he immediately slips his hands into Niall’s and maneuvers past the people and there are a lot of people. Niall’s hand is rough and warm in his and he doesn’t know why his heart is pounding the way it is. He turns for one quick second to make sure Niall is okay and he looks ethereal like a star that came crashing down to Earth and Harry has to look away because Niall makes him feel too much all the time.

They have nice seats right in the middle and they watch as other fans file in laughing and talking and such. Niall turns to him and squeezes his hand,

“This is amazing.”

 _You’re amazing,_ Harry thinks but doesn’t say.

It’s about fifteen more minutes when the opening act comes on some unknown indie band called The 1975 that Harry thinks are actually pretty good kind of reminds him of Freudian Slipped and then the Arctic Monkeys are on. The lights are dimmed and Niall is squeezing his hand real hard and when Alex Turner begins to sing god it’s like fucking magic and the people at the venue just flip shit. Everybody is screaming Alex like some kind of weird chant but all Harry can focus on is the music of his fucking idol crooning into the microphone making love to it. Harry wants to be Alex Turner.

Niall sings along to every song at the top of his lungs and he’s like the most wonderful thing Harry’s ever seen and Harry is jealous for a moment that Josh gets to kiss him and hold him and see everything about him but then right after that there’s a sense of satisfaction because Josh doesn’t get him like this, this Niall is all for him and he loves it.

The concert is over two hours later and Harry doesn’t even want to leave but they have to and Niall’s face is tear stained from crying and Harry laughs at him and he slaps Harry playfully and it’s nice this thing they’ve fallen into. And the night only gets better when two girls step right in front of him and gasp,

“You’re Harry.” The blonde says shocked and Harry raises an eyebrow,

“Uh how do you-,”

“Freudian Slipped! We watch you on YouTube all the time oh my god.” And then she’s hugging him and all he can do is hug her back because whoa. When she pulls away she’s handing him a pen and a tip of her shirt, “Sign my shirt please.” He says and what else can he do. Her name is Alexa and she giggles the whole time and she says hi to Niall and then giggles with her friend who’s Leah. The girls leave talking excitedly and Harry is so fucking shocked he can barely move.

“C’mon, superstar you can freak out later. I’m hungry.” Niall tugs him by the hand.

Harry’s ever grateful for twenty four hour McDonalds. Niall talks the whole time about the concert and Harry doesn’t even mind, could watch and listen to Niall his whole life if given the chance. It’s amazing seeing Niall all excited about something like a child, eyes bright and talking all too fast. He’s soft and he’s beautiful and he’s everything that Harry’s ever wanted.

It happens when they’re back in the car the kiss. Before Harry can pull out of the parking space Niall reaches over and presses their lips together softly and Harry’s shocked but then his mind catches up and he’s kissing back, focusing on Niall’s hand draped around his neck. When they pull away they don’t look at each other.

“Josh.” Harry says and Niall just stares out the window and says.

“I’m sorry. Please pretend that never happened.”

Harry doesn’t know how he can but he doesn’t say that he just pulls out and the drive back is spent in silence. Niall practically falls over himself rushing out the car when they get home and Harry just watches him go, keeps replaying the kiss in his head. He kissed Niall Horan. God.

\--

Frank tells them that their name isn’t really that great so they have to change it. They’re all iffy about changing their names but Zayn is the one who says to do it that as long as their selling records it doesn’t matter what they’re called. They change their name to RideLikeYouDo just like that with no spaces. It’s indie, Frank says and it’s not a bad name so they agree.

They record their EP a week later during Spring Break. It has four songs, two that the boys wrote themselves and two that a music producer wrote for them. They spend the whole Spring Break making sure the EP is perfect and Frank lands them an interview with Spin Magazine, it’s a small interview about them being a new up and coming band but they get their makeup done and the interviewer loves them. Calls them real like what else were they going to be?

The single they’re releasing is called If I Could Have It and it’s fun and it’s indie pop and it’s set to be released the following Tuesday. Of course the boys are nervous. They hype it up on their twitter accounts and they have fans real life fans who call themselves The Slips (named after their old band name) and Harry loves them. They’re impossibly nice and they ask questions and it’s like all of Harry’s dreams come true.

In L.A they finally get a chance to sightsee. The beaches are impossibly nice and the people impossibly beautiful and the restaurants and shops don’t even look like places they could afford so they don’t bother. But they do go to the fair and Harry wins a huge teddy bear and he pretends like he doesn’t win it for Niall.

Niall who’s back to avoiding him and back to being with his boyfriend and sometimes Harry thinks that maybe he imagined the kiss that it didn’t really happen but it’s all too real.

They go back home on Monday and Harry’s passed out at school the next day when a whole bunch of girls come up to him and shove their phones in his face. Everybody is tweeting about their song and he means everybody. It’s weird really the way the girls at school are looking at him like he’s someone different, he’s just Harry. The other boys are getting the same treatment and Harry catches Niall’s eye during lunch when their lunch table is flooded with people and smiles at him and wants to call him over but Niall just walks out with Josh on his tail. Harry’s heart breaks but he pretends like it doesn’t.

And the thing is after that they get money wired into their accounts because they have those now figures that he’s never even seen before. Niall comes around one afternoon when Harry’s home alone going through his twitter followers and trying not to freak out because Taylor Fucking Swift is following him like how crazy is that?

“Hey.” Niall says and Harry looks up at him and almost chokes on the gum he was chewing.

“Hey.” He says.

“I uh wanted to come see you. I know I haven’t been the bestest friend lately.” He’s fiddling with his shirt and its driving Harry nuts how much he just wants to tell Niall to forget about it but Harry wants to hear him out. He needs to. “But I uh miss you a lot and it’s not fair to you that I’ve been such a bad friend when you’ve been there for me through so much.” Niall looks up at him and Harry swallows and sets his phone down.

“C’mere.” He says and Niall does, crawls over to him in a way that Harry is sure isn’t supposed to be sexy but it is. He crawls into Harry’s lap, brackets Harry’s legs with his thighs and Harry’s in love with him. Harry wants to kiss him. “It’s okay.” Harry says because he knows Niall wants to hear it even though Harry wasn’t ever really mad just hurt. “I missed you too.”

“Good. You’re getting all famous and shit on me.”

Harry laughs, “I’m not getting famous.”

“Your song is on the radio doofus. What happened to Freudian Slipped?”

“Frank didn’t like it. You don’t like our name?”

“It’s not that I don’t like it it’s just… a lot of things happened when you guys were Freudian Slipped.” Niall whispers in his ear, breath hot on Harry’s neck making Harry squirm but in the best possible way.

“A lot of things can happen as RideLikeYouDo.” Harry replies.

“I guess. And what’s up with the no spaces thing?”

“It’s indie.” Harry says and Niall laughs sitting up and looking at him,

“You’re such a hipster.” He says and with no warning whatsoever he reaches in and he kisses Harry. Harry’s sure his brain short circuits and because he has no self-control he kisses back, hands on Niall’s hips anchoring him. It’s a nice kiss, slow and like all he’s ever wanted and he feels complete with Niall heavy and wonderful in his arms. When they pull away Niall doesn’t leave he just rests his head on Harry’s shoulder again and Harry doesn’t know what to say. He keeps thinking about Josh. But he doesn’t want to ask because he’s scared and he’s finally got Niall the way he’s always wanted him and he doesn’t want Josh to ruin it. He does feel a bit bad but he’s still so in love and love makes people do lots of stupid things so honestly it isn’t even really his fault.

Niall crawls off of him and starts talking like nothing ever happened and Harry figures now’s a better time than ever to give him the bear that Harry won him so Harry does, hands it to him unceremoniously and says, “for you.” Niall laughs but looks at him with his pink pink lips and blinks and says,

“Thank you I love it.” And Harry wants to say I love you but he’s a coward a horrible terrible coward and all he can do is smile. Harry tells him about L.A and what it feels to be in a recording studio and how it feels to have Taylor Swift follow him and they kiss again, they kiss a lot that night and Harry feels weightless.

When Niall finally leaves Harry calls the boys and tells them to come over.

They’re at his house fifteen minutes later eating his chips and staring at him waiting for him to talk.

“Me and Niall kissed.” He says because it sounds so much better than ‘Niall kissed me’ as if he wasn’t a willing participant. The boys look rightfully shocked.

“Aren’t him and Josh still together?” Louis asks. Liam’s already pulling out his phone to check Josh’s instagram and just like Harry predicted they are still together, the big fat Taken by Niall Horan heart emoji on Josh’s Instagram page. It makes Harry want to throw up but he doesn’t even know what to do.

“So Niall kissed you while him and his boyfriend are still together.” Zayn says trying to get things straight.

“It wasn’t even the first time.” Harry says and proceeds to tell them about the concert.

“We all know he’s in love with you.” Liam says with a shrug, “maybe he doesn’t want to hurt Josh.”

“Or maybe Niall shouldn’t be kissing people while he’s in a relationship.” Louis snaps.

“Don’t condemn the kid, Louis. Him and Harry are fucking meant for each other and all that, being in a relationship doesn’t stop that.”

“He shouldn’t have been in this relationship in the first place. Harry, you need to respectfully reject him.” Louis orders and Harry blinks,

“Uhm I’m not sure I can do that.”

“Of course he can’t. They’re in love.” Liam says like that’s the answer to everything. Harry wishes life was that easy.

“Give me advice I can actually use please.” Harry says head in hands.

“Make him choose.” Zayn says. “It’s either you or Josh. Think about when Josh finds out and trust me there will be a when because they always find out.”

Louis snorts, “You’d know.” Zayn rolls his eyes but he’s looking at Harry seriously and they’re right but Harry doesn’t want to complicate things. He just wants to be with Niall. But he guesses that’s the best way to do it. The boys end up watching Braveheart with him and then falling asleep. Harry stares at his ceiling for three hours.

\--

He writes You Kill Me in the span of a week.

\--

Everybody knows their song and everybody is listening to their EP. Justin Bieber tweeted at them, Demi Lovato took a picture of her with their EP, and the boys have taken off. It’s in the middle of May when Frank tells them it’s time to record an album meaning their summer will be spent in L.A and it worries Harry how the first thing he thinks is Niall will not be in L.A. These days all he can think about is Niall.

They’ve slipped into this thing Harry doesn’t know what to call it. They’re friends again that’s for sure and Niall’s still with Josh but Niall kisses him all the time and when Josh isn’t around and it’s just them and they’re friends he rests his head on Harry’s shoulder like they’re an official couple and he makes Harry soup when he’s sick and he cuddles him and honestly Harry’s pretty sure this boy is messing with his head but he doesn’t even mind. He’s a fool for love.

Harry wants to ask Niall to come with them to L.A for the summer but Niall tells him first about this summer internship he has at this amazing photography studio and his plans fly out the window and all he can do is smile and nod. He’s genuinely happy for Niall but he just wishes things were so much easier but nothing is easy not for them anyway. Sometimes he wonders if Niall feels guilty about what he’s doing because Harry wants to be a good person and he wants to say he feels guilty every day but he doesn’t. Sometimes he barely even remembers Josh is in the picture but then reality hits him in the face and he’s left out in the street broken and it’s like everything crumbling around him. He really wished he didn’t love Niall the way he does but he does.

\--

Summer comes faster than he was even expecting. The boys take Niall to the airport and they all hug and Josh is there and Harry watches them kiss and hug and he feels like throwing up but he can’t of course he can’t because Niall doesn’t belong to him. When they hug its quick just like with all the other guys and Niall smiles at all of them with blank eyes and then he’s gone, off to Oregon for that stupid internship thing.

That summer is what some would call the summer of RideLikeYouDo, they record their album in the span of two months, they do a bunch of interviews, and there are fans camped out at their hotel rooms. It’s crazy really going on twitter and having his notifications blow up like they do. Nobody even knew his name a year ago and now it seems everybody does. They make a music video for their first single and they drop another one that they call Grand Rapids, Michigan and it seems like everyone loves it more than they loved the first one.

The whole time though Harry keeps thinking of Niall in Oregon and what he’s doing and who he’s with and is he having fun. Harry can’t help the feeling that he’s leaving Niall behind like everything is happening and Niall isn’t there but he’s supposed to be but Niall has a life, he has a real life boyfriend and he has internships and he’s smart and he wants to be a photographer and honestly who’s leaving who behind?

They get invited to tons of awards shows even though their new enough to not even be in the nominees. Harry sits next to Rihanna and almost dies because it’s Rihanna and she smiles at them and says, “I love your album.” He’s sure him and the boys stop breathing. They get their picture taken with so much famous people who they’ve only dreamed of meeting and there are so much questions and so much everything and Harry feels like a kid just some eighteen year old kid.

The after parties are amazing because nobody cares that he’s underage and drinking and he gets to talk to all these people who he’s thought about his whole life and it’s when one Alex Turner walks into the room that Harry almost passes out. He talks to Harry and the boys and Harry feels like dying but Louis just whispers,

“Easy there, Tiger.” In his ears. Harry keeps thinking about how starstruck Niall would be if he was here because he fucking loves Alex Turner but he isn’t so Harry needs to stop moping over some boy who never made him a first choice anyway.

\--

They go back to Michigan because it’s time to finish their senior year and their parents don’t contain them but they all agree it’s better for the boys to finish senior year. Niall comes home and he tells Harry with tears in his eyes that he and Josh broke up that he told Josh about the whole kissing thing. Harry doesn’t know what to say or do but he knows asking Niall to date him isn’t the correct one and once again he and Niall can’t be together because of something stupid. The boys still do as much YouTube videos as they can even though it’s kind of pointless but their fans love it and Harry thought it was cheesy when famous people said it but they really can’t do it without the fans.

High school is more difficult than it’s ever been because hey they’re famous now. And everybody loves them, people that they didn’t even used to talk to and it’s not like Harry’s upset or anything but he doesn’t want to be treated like a prince in a place he’s grown up in his whole life. These kids know him. He used to eat mud pies in grade school.

Josh is no longer his friend doesn’t even bother looking Harry and its then that Harry does feel guilty especially when Niall sits with them at lunch and pretend him and Josh never happened and most importantly he and Harry never happened. But it’s weird isn’t it how someone can break your heart but you just want them over and over again because that’s how Harry feels about Niall.

They make it through another Halloween and another Christmas together and Harry spends it staring at Niall and loving Niall even with all these girls and some guys throwing themselves at him it will always be Niall. Niall who smiles to himself when nobody is looking and who wants to be a photographer when he grows up and who laughs at Harry’s stupid jokes and who still cuddles Harry and makes him soup even when they’ve stopped the whole kissing thing.

\--

Michigan, 2012

They ring in the New Years with a kiss.

Harry pinning Niall to the wall of Louis’ back porch cradling Niall’s face in his hands because honestly things have been building up to this and Niall doesn’t even protest just cards his fingers through Harry’s hair and kisses him back. Harry’s heart is pounding in his chest and this kiss is better than all the other ones because it has promise because it has everything Harry’s ever wanted. Niall tastes like beer and cupcakes and it’s the best thing Harry’s ever tasted in his life and their fucking song is playing loudly through the radio with his drunken friends and some people from school inside but all he can focus on is Niall.

When they pull away they’re both gasping for breath and Harry attacks his neck, just fucking attacks it kissing and biting and sucking because he’s never had the chance he realized to mark Niall and actually make him his. He never got that with Niall and now here it is. They’re two years in the making and they still aren’t even halfway done.

They have sex that night in the guest room of Louis’ house with Niall staring up at him like he was everything and as Harry’s pushing into Niall painfully slow his heart catches in his throat and he gets the urge to cry but he doesn’t he just presses their lips together in a heart shattering kiss and he keeps thinking: _minemineminemine_ and nothing and nobody can ever take that away from him.

So that’s how they ring in the New Years.

\--

Harry thought everything would be easy after that but nothing is easy. Things just happen so fast and the boys have so much promotional stuff to do in L.A that Harry and Niall rarely get a chance to talk. They don’t know if they’re buddies who just fuck on occasion or something more. The day after Harry’s birthday in February they perform at The Super Bowl and it feels like a dream thinks of Niall in the stands and he wants to pull a Tom Cruise and just scream: “I love Niall Horan” but he can contain himself and he does.

They’re superstars now. They perform at awards shows and they win awards and they haven’t even graduated high school yet and it makes Harry’s head spin.

They finally get a chance to sit down in April after four months of fucking and dancing around each other they finally talk about it.

Harry says, “I want to be with you.” Because he does because lately all the songs he writes for RideLikeYouDo are all about Niall and he can’t write anything else and he’ll close his eyes and he’ll see Niall and it makes him want and he can’t just not say it anymore. He’s nineteen now and he’s been in love with Niall since he was fucking seventeen and it makes his head hurt how much they’ve been through.

Niall says, “How will we even make it work? You’re Harry Styles.” Because that means something now because Harry isn’t just Harry anymore he’s _Harry Styles_ emphasis and all. People want to be his friend.

“We can. I promise you. Me and you against the world how about that?” He says kneeling in front of Niall his face cradled in Harry’s large hands and Niall smiles at him sadly and says,

“Your fans can’t know. I know about your contract.” And he’s right. Something about them only dating girls especially with what their fan base has become. It’s not specifically stated but it’s there.

“We’ll still be together though. Niall, I know you want it too.”

And Niall says, “I do.”

“Then let’s do it.” So they do.

\--

The boys go to prom and Niall and Harry don’t go together but they do meet up and kiss in the gardens. They go on tour with The 1975 for three months, they’re an opening act for them and Harry loves it. He knows half the people came for The 1975 but the way the crowd cheers on for them is euphoric it’s like something out of a dream and Harry feels invincible he feels out of this fucking world. And Niall can’t make it because well Niall’s not in RideLikeYouDo and he has a life and he has a photography job and he’s going to some school in New York when things start again and Harry keeps thinking NewYorkNewYork over and over again because is the world just trying to keep them apart?

But his nights are spent singing to a crowd full of people and the mornings are spent talking to his boy who is miles away from him who Harry just wants there but he guesses that’s the downside of being famous. You leave people behind.

\--

This is how Harry royally fucks things up.

He meets Lou with the pink hair and the kid and Nick Grimshaw in September. Lou’s a hair stylist for like other famous people and Nick is a radio host, Harry’s heard him before. He’s funny and he’s good and they soon become his friends really good friends and they introduce him to the drugs and the alcohol and the hardcore party scene.

Being famous of course Harry’s been to wild parties and been around lots and lots of drugs but Nick and Lou do these things religiously. Nick places E on his tongue and smiles and says,

“Live a little, kid.” And he does.

The drugs make him feel lovely they make him feel amazing especially when he’s high and performing god things just fucking feel otherworldly, you know? Like Harry’s there but he’s not he’s just floating up and watching everything happen. Him and Niall start talking less and less especially as the boys take off more and more way more than they could ever imagine and Niall is in college and sometimes Harry will see the missed calls and texts but he gets so tired and he knows Niall will understand, Niall loves him.

Harry starts the cheating in November and it’s not even like: “oh I’m doing this to hurt, Niall” it’s more of a “I need a warm body right now” and the boys side eye him but don’t really tell him nothing because he still writes their songs and he still sings like he’s supposed to and he does the interviews and he’s charming even while high off his fucking ass.

The girls and guys he fucks never look like Niall he specifically makes sure they don’t because nobody could replace Niall. He gets brown haired boys and girls, and gingers, and dark haired and dark skin, and he never gets blonde and blue eyed because fuck no. Christmas passes by and they make a Christmas album and of course it sells out and they’re going to start their own tour soon going from February to September and of course Harry’s fucking excited.

He would never call himself an addict but he can’t even get on stage or get out of the place without snorting some or popping a few pills because god it feels good. When he does talk to Niall its nice Niall always makes him feel like the drugs do, always makes him feel warm inside. He wishes Niall was there but he can’t because he has so much to do and his professors love him and he’s always telling Harry stories about his friends in New York and Harry gets jealous and feels guilty about what he’s doing and he starts thinking maybe Niall’s doing the same thing? It’s always weird how paranoid he gets when he’s high sometimes he needs to hear Niall say he loves him for him to believe it.

\--

Los Angeles, 2013

They start the tour when Harry’s twenty and all their shows are sold out in record time. The boys cannot fucking believe it. Louis is dating some supermodel, broke up with his high school girl Eleanor, Liam is still doing that on and off thing with Sophia in the middle of his cheating (he’s almost as bad as Harry) and his stoner attitude, and of course Zayn is still hopelessly in love with Perrie (he’s almost as bad as Harry). They’ve all made mistakes with the people they love but when it comes to the band it’s all or fucking nothing.

Nick and Harry fuck when he comes to visit Harry on one of his shows during March and Harry keeps thinking of Niall who he’ll be seeing in two weeks and Niall’s sunshine hair and his sea glass eyes and he knows fuck he knows what he’s doing is wrong but this isn’t about hurting Niall goddamnit it’s about needing someone.

Harry doesn’t leave the hotel room once when they get to New York and he sees Niall. He familiarizes himself with Niall’s body with what make him tick and what make him moan, he maps his skin and he buries himself in it and Niall just smiles up at him like he trusts Harry because he fucking adores Harry and Harry can’t even look him in the eye just buries his face into Niall’s shoulder as he rams into him.

Niall comes to their shows, gets front row tickets and Harry can’t help the way he keeps looking at him and how beautiful his boy is amongst all the lackluster people.

Niall finds out about his drug thing the same night as the performance. Finds the baggies of almost everything under the sun in his suitcase. Harry wants to vomit when he walks out of the shower only to see Niall on the floor holding the baggies tight in his hand, eyes blazing.

“What the hell is this?” He asks scarily calm for the way he looks.

“Nothing.” Harry says because he’s a fucking idiot and Niall stares at him and scoffs,

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“N-Niall,”

“You promised me before we left each other all those months ago that you’d stay safe and that drugs were out of the question. You fucking promised me!” Niall throws the baggie and it hits his chest and then the floor. Harry doesn’t know what to say is speechless as Niall paces through the floor. “Do you know how bad those things fuck you up? Do you fucking know?” He asks angry so fucking angry Harry’s never seen Niall that way before and he makes to step towards Niall to placate him but Niall steps back, “don’t fucking touch me.” He says and Harry keeps his hands to himself.

They don’t say anything for a bit just staring each other down. “My brother died from cocaine. He overdosed when I was fifteen and that’s when things kind of went to shit with my family.” Niall’s crying now not like when he was telling Harry about his dad those years ago but real sobbing, he’s a mess with his blotchy face ripping Harry apart piece by piece. “And I told you I told you to not do that to yourself because losing someone else I cared about would fucking destroy me but you don’t care because you don’t care about me and you don’t care about lying to me.”

Harry knows Niall told him to not touch him but Harry crawls over to where Niall’s slid down and begins to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. A small fight ensues but Harry’s bigger and he’s able to stop Niall’s struggling so he’s immobile. Niall sobs into his shirt and all Harry can think is: shitfuckshit.

\--

The boys are making history and on their way to recording their next album even while on tour and its June when Niall finds out about the cheating. Harry doesn’t know how but Niall texts him a picture one day, it’s with one of the girls he frequented and she’s coming out of his hotel room and of course some fan snapped the picture without knowing Harry had a boyfriend. Harry barely even remembers the girl in the picture but that doesn’t fucking matter.

He calls Niall and he picks up immediately,

“So when were you going to tell me?” Is his hello to Harry.

“Niall,” Harry says,

“Oh my god shut the fuck up please just for one second shut the fuck up.” Niall sounds cruel and mean like he’s trying his hardest not to cry and Harry feels like shit. He doesn’t know what to say because he really did it he really fucked up. “You were cheating on me.” Niall whispers like he can’t believe it.

“Niall, I’m sorry.” Harry blurts because what else does a cheater say?

“You were cheating on me and I want to say it’s not true that the love of my life would never fucking do that to me but you did. You cheated on me and it’s all over fucking twitter and nobody knows about me but everybody knows about your whores. You were cheating on me and I’m still trying to figure out why.” Niall says over the phone and Harry is cradled under the bed sheets shaking because Niall cannot break up with him. He fucked it up he knows but he can’t lose Niall not Niall. Niall’s all he has.

“You’re all I have.” Harry says.

“Shut up! I said shut up!” Niall roars and Harry knows he’s pacing and crying Niall’s so good at that. “You’re a liar and I hate you! I hate you so fucking much for ruining me like this. You made me fall for you and you made me waste three years of my life loving you and needing you only for you to fucking cheat on me like I never meant a thing to you in the first place! You’re disgusting, Harry Styles, and I never want to see you again.” And then he hangs up.

\--

Things officially go to shit when Harry punches paparazzi the next day.

\--

The tour isn’t postponed because the amount of money that went into everything is too much so of course Harry has to issue a public announcement has to pretend everything is fine even though nothing’s fine. The boys know but they can’t fix him no matter how much beer they force him to drink and no matter how much shitty romcoms he is forced to watch. Harry cries when he’s singing Pretty Blonde Thing thinks about three years ago when everything was okay and when he’d first met Niall and before he fucked things up. Nobody knows why but there are thousands of pictures and Harry hopes Niall sees it hopes Niall knows how sorry Harry actually is. He’s not a good person but he can’t just do this without Niall.

\--

September rolls around and all the boys need a break. They all go home to Michigan and Harry keeps staring at Niall’s house even though Harry knows he isn’t there, is in New York, New York doing big things and Harry has always been a coward but he cannot just sit in his room and waste away not doing anything. So he buys a plane ticket and he’s on the next flight to New York in the morning. He’s tired but he needs to find Niall and he needs to explain himself needs to explain how it felt being empty and how he just needed someone even if for a night and how it was never about making Niall hurt. Maybe he’s an idiot but he’s an idiot in love.

He’s ambushed when he gets to the airport but he has his security guys with him and they steamroll past everybody. He doesn’t waste any time making his way to New York Institute of Photography and with his status he gets Niall’s room number easy. He’s a Rockstar and everybody kind of just stares and they’re photography students so of course they take pictures but Harry doesn’t care about their stupid pictures. He needs to see Niall.

Niall’s getting out of his room when Harry gets to his floor, doesn’t even notice Harry till he looks up. His eyes widen and Harry stares at him. Niall stops moving and stares back. Neither of them say anything.

“I never meant to hurt you.” Harry says because he’s good with music and writing lyrics but when it comes to spoken words he’s terrible. Niall doesn’t say anything just keeps looking at him. “You’re everything to me, Niall and… I admit it I was alone and I was missing you and I just needed a body I needed someone. You were in New York and I was in L.A and I know it seems like I’m making excuses but I just need you to understand. I never meant to make you cry and I never meant to cause you pain and I just… I miss you a lot. I miss your laugh and I miss the way you always keep me in check when I do something stupid and I miss your face and I miss being with you. And gosh, I don’t know what else to say. I’ve been aching for you, Niall I’m not me without you.”

Niall’s still staring at him he doesn’t even look like he’s heard a word Harry says. But he finally just says,

“I think we need to talk about some things.” And then he turns and disappears into his dorm leaves the door open for Harry who gives his personal bodyguard a look and then walks in.

Niall’s dorm is nice, decorated with pictures Harry guesses he’s taken and his laptop is open on the bed and it smells nice and clean and it’s so Niall it makes Harry smile. Until Niall sits down on his bed and stares at him without a trace of a smile. “Why’d you come all the way here, Harry? Is it supposed to impress me that my selfish ex-boyfriend can’t take a hint?” Niall asks. Harry feels his throat close up from Niall’s words, feels like a punch to the face. Over the phone its different Harry can hear the hurt but he can’t see it but here it’s right there and Harry can’t escape. He feels like shit.

“I just- I just really wanted you to know that it was never my intention to be that guy but I became it anyway.” Harry says and Niall shrugs.

“It’s not your fault. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. You’ve always been that guy I just should’ve seen it coming.”

“Niall,” Harry says frustrated, “I’m sorry okay I’m sorry. You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I ruined it I completely fucked it up and all I want is another chance. Please.”

Niall stares at him then scoffs and shakes his head, “You don’t even get it do you? What you did to me? I trusted you, Harry you were literally the only person I trusted to never ever fuck me over and you did. And you know what happens if I take you back?” Niall asks staring at him. Harry just shakes his head feels himself crumbling because he really did mess everything up. “I become my mom. Do you know how many times dad cheated on her? And she took him back every single time until he was the one throwing _her_ away and he always always begged for her back… just like you’re doing now. You’re on your knees and you’re crying for me but you’re not… you’re not the boy I fell in love with. You’re in love with the sex and the drugs and the rock and roll but not with me. And I should’ve come first.”

Harry’s staring at Niall trying his hardest to choke back the feeling in his throat the one he gets when he’s going to cry because fucking fuck he can’t cry not now. “What happens now?” Harry asks because he needs to know because everything is Niall’s call.

“Now you leave my dorm, you leave me alone, and we never talk to each other again. I loved you and you took it for granted. So go find someone else to love you.” Niall doesn’t even look at him when he says it, is too busy looking at something on his laptop and he sounds so emotionless that all Harry can do is exactly what he said. There are no words for it how things fell apart so easy but the click of Niall’s door felt final too final.

\--

Michigan, 2016

RideLikeYouDo are legends, they have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, they have five albums each of them going platinum, and they’ve won everything they’ve ever been nominated for and the boys now twenty three and twenty four decide it’s time to chill. They’re going on an undefined hiatus and Harry doesn’t even mind they have enough money to support them for a life time so dropping off the face of the Earth sounds nice at this point.

Harry’s been home a week when he sees Niall in the grocery store of all places. He looks older obviously and his hair is dark at the sides instead of all blonde like Harry knows it to be and he’s humming a song under his breath, ear buds in. Harry makes to turn around because god no he can’t but then Niall looks up and it’s like all the air is sucked out of the room. Harry gets this undeniable urge to run but Niall just blinks and pulls out his ear buds and looks Harry up and down then cocks his head.

“Uhm… hi.” He says stepping closer, shopping basket in his hand. Harry nods his head,

“Hey.”

“You’re back home?” Niall asks like they’re friends like he doesn’t remember how they broke. How Harry ruined them.

“Uh yeah.” He says not quite looking Niall in his all too familiar eyes. “You?”

“Yeah, mom’s been pretty sick lately so I decided I wanted to take care of her. Nothing too serious but you know old age. How long you here for?”

“Don’t know yet. Boys and I were thinking a year. I mean Zayn and Louis both have a kid and Liam isn’t too far behind and financially we’re good. So it seemed fitting.” Harry’s trying his hardest not to reach out and touch. Niall just smiles at him with his dimpled chin and his beautiful wonderful smile,

“Yeah I heard about the kids. But that’s good that you all decided to come back to Michigan.”

“Yeah.” Harry says. And then because he still has zero self-control all those years later he blurts, “you seeing anyone?”

Niall seems a bit taken aback but he doesn’t seem upset, “No. I mean I was but it was nothing serious.” The _nothing like us_ goes unspoken. Harry kind of wants to die. “And you?” Niall asks. Harry shakes his head,

“No. I was but we wanted different things” Translation: She wanted to get married and Harry’s still in love with Niall fucking Horan after all these years. How indie movie plotline of him.

“Relationships are hard.” Niall says and Harry blinks at him but he doesn’t seem to be taking a stab at Harry.

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, “they really are. Uhm what do you do now?”

“I’m a wedding photographer. It’s nice you know weddings are beautiful.”

“They are. Did you see pictures of Louis’ online?” People called it the second royal wedding. Niall nods with a small smile,

“It was amazing. I still have the invite.”

Harry’s shocked, “why didn’t you go?”

“Wasn’t in a good place back then. I’m better now.” It’s elusive and Harry wants to figure out what he means. Niall’s phone chimes and he looks down at it then back up at Harry. “I gotta go. Duty calls but uhm if you ever want to get together sometime you know where to find me yeah?”

“Yeah.” Harry says because what else can he say. Niall touches his arm softly and Harry feels like his arm is on fire and then he’s gone, Harry can’t help but watch as he goes through self-checkout quickly and then he’s gone phone in his ear talking a mile a minute looking the most beautiful Harry’s ever seen him.

\--

Harry has Louis’ six month old baby, Freya on his lap as he tells the boys about what happened. They’re at Louis’ place (a different place because he isn’t living with his mom) just like old times with Liam laid on the couch and Zayn texting Perrie. It’s amazing how long they’ve been together. Harry gets a little jealous sometime.

“So… he didn’t punch you in the face?” Louis asks.

“No, Louis he was being nice! He said if I ever want to get together I know where to find him? And god he looks so fucking good you know, he was always skinny but he’s just filled out and he looks like a man and not like a boy and he’s just fuck. Fucking fuck.”

“Hey.” Louis snaps at him covering Freya’s impressionable ears. He apologizes.

“Ask him what he wants.” Liam says and Harry huffs out,

“I can’t just call him and say what do you want.”

“Yes,” Zayn says, “you can. Because you’re confused and well frankly I am too because the last time ya’ll talked Niall sounded like he wanted to kill you so this change of heart is weird.”

“He didn’t even come to my wedding.” Louis says. “I was expecting for you guys to reunite but no.”

“Focus, Lou.” Harry said and Louis rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I’m still very much in love with him but he could just be being nice.”

Zayn snorts, “There is too much history behind you guys for him to be being just nice. Seriously just go over to his mom’s place and talk to him.”

“You’ll feel better.” Liam says.

\--

Niall’s in pajama bottoms and no shirt when Harry goes over the next day. His hair isn’t done like it was in the store but he still looks very manly and very… very. Harry’s just so bad at these things.

“Hey.” Niall says with a smile a beautiful soft smile. “What’s up?”

“We need to talk.” Harry blurts and Niall quirks a confused eyebrow then opens the door,

“Alright c’min. Mom’s asleep.” He says. Niall’s house is just like Harry remembered it… beautiful and homely. Harry spent hours upon hours in this place as a teenager. “Want something to drink?” Niall asks but Harry just shakes his head doesn’t need to be distracted. Niall just shrugs and sits down on the couch with Harry right next to him. “Okay talk.” He says so Harry does.

“Uhm so okay seeing you yesterday was a shock a really big one considering last time we talked you hated me and you had every reason to. I was a dick and I don’t know what I was thinking but uhm I thought the next time we ran into each other you’d still hate me but you’re being nice… and you’re just I don’t know. I’m confused I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I don’t know what you want.” Harry says and then feels like a fool. Niall isn’t smiling but he doesn’t look angry either just very very patient.

“We were kids three years ago,” Niall finally says, “Stupid stupid kids and not just you. We broke up and everything just went to shit for me and I was just so far gone and yeah I was mad at you so so mad and seeing you on every billboard didn’t help but then after a series of unfortunate events I decided I needed to get some help and I guess… maybe I am still kind of mad at you for making me a second choice but you’re the love of my life. You’re everything for me and I do believe in fate and I always told myself if I ever saw you again I’d never let you get away.” Niall’s smiling at him soft and a bit shy and Harry feels his heart thumping in his chest as he looks Niall up and down. He may be different in a way but he’s still the same boy Harry fell in love with all those years ago.

“So you still… you still want me? After what I did? After how bad I fucked up?” Harry asks not letting himself have that not yet and Niall nods slowly,

“So so much.”

And that’s how Harry and Niall become HarryandNiall once again.  

**Author's Note:**

> so what did you guys think? loved it? hated it? lemme know!!


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